black humor
BLACK HUMOR
Iraq, February 2005
**I had a dream ** February 8, 2005
Lieutenant Rafid watched the craft grow larger in his sight. He estimated the diameter of the disc to be about thirty meters. At the same time, the needle of his Machmeter was spinning wildly. He screamed into his laryngophone:
*- Everyone behind me. Attack formation. Arm the missiles! *
The men complied. The craft had stabilized directly above the Natanz nuclear reactor. It was traversed by shifting glows, and colorful light beams seemed to emerge from it, caressing the ground installations like hands. The Iranian was seized by a strange feeling.
*- Is it an American craft or a ... djinn? *
In any case, it was too late to ask questions. The luminescent object was growing rapidly in his sight. The lieutenant recalled the orders from the air force command, reiterated that morning during the briefing. They were clear, crystal clear. He uncovered the red fire button on his stick with a gesture of his gloved thumb and pressed it, thinking "May Allah forgive me!". A few seconds later, the wind was whipping his cheeks. Above him, a beautiful white corolla had opened. There were two other open corollas nearby, and Rafid could see the lights of the reactors of the three Sukhois ahead of him, as their aircraft plunged toward the ground. They crashed one after another. Turning around, he saw the aircraft of the blue patrol banking and pulling away to return to base.
..........
Condoleezza Rice was preparing to go on air. The makeup artist was making some touch-ups on her impassive face. The Pentagon's communications officer announced her appearance, resting both hands on the console, then stepped aside to make way for the President's National Security Advisor. She looked for the red light indicating which camera was live, to face it properly. But when she tried to speak, her face contorted. She stepped away from the lectern and began to vomit in front of everyone. Dozens of cherries were coming out of her mouth. She had several violent retching episodes. The quantity of cherries and cherry juice she was vomiting seemed incredible and appeared to have no end. The communications officer stepped in and signaled the cameramen to stop filming.
*- Mrs. Rice is not feeling well. *
That was very true. She was not feeling well at all. Her eyes were rolling back, and she had stained her black dress with cherry juice, which looked like coagulated blood.
...........
Cardinal Rizetti had burst into the main aisle of St. Peter's Cathedral in Rome. He was tearing off the buttons of his cassock one by one, looking at the stunned faithful and tourists with a mad gaze.
*- Forgive me. Forgive me, all of you. We have diverted the money of faith. Get out of here, quickly, get out! *
Then he began to speak words in a strange, incomprehensible language. A French Dominican priest was there, Father Bourgeois, from the Saint John of Malta convent in Aix-en-Provence, who was doing a doctorate on sacrality, heard this speech, and exclaimed:
-
- That's Aramaic!
-
What?
-
He is saying in Aramaic: "I wanted this place to be a house of prayer, and you have made it a den of thieves."*
The ground trembled. The golden mosaics lining the inside of the vast dome detached themselves. People began to scream and surge toward the doors. Fortunately, at that hour, there were relatively few people. Not knowing where to go, the crowd gathered on the square, near the fountains. The ground rumbled. The cardinal stood in the doorway, continuing to shout, first in Italian:
*- I deserve nothing but what I get. *
Then in a language whose meaning the faithful did not understand. At some distance, Father Bourgeois watched him, fascinated, while people had finally started fleeing in all directions.
*- He continues. It's still Aramaic. *
*- And what is he saying? * asked another brother from his congregation.
- He says, "This temple, Judas, will not remain stone upon stone."
The heavy doorframe collapsed onto the cardinal in a cloud of dust.
..........
Sergeant Schwarz came out of the tent. He was disheveled, which was hardly like him. He was wearing a khaki T-shirt and simple shorts. The sunlight of Iraq seemed to dazzle him for a moment. Then he brought his hand to the license plate hanging around his neck, attached to a chain. With a firm gesture, he ripped the object off and threw it far away. His men looked at him in astonishment, as did the Iraqi interpreter, dressed in a long gray gandoura. He walked straight toward a corporal standing at the entrance to the camp, in combat gear. Schwarz called out to him. The other man realized he was speaking Arabic, and this completely disconcerted him, as it had never been stated anywhere that the sergeant spoke the language. Addressed, the corporal turned to the Iraqi interpreter:
*- What does he say? *
*- He says, "Man, get rid of all this killing stuff. Get rid of it immediately, that's an order, soldier!" *
Before the corporal had time to react, Schwarz seized the man's M-16 and threw it far away. Then he unfastened the straps of his bulletproof vest and, maneuvering the soldier like a puppet, stripped him of it. The corporal remained speechless with surprise. The sergeant took out the magazines he had in the pockets on the sides of his trouser legs and emptied the bullets, which sank like golden nuggets into the sand. Then, speaking in English, he ordered all the men present to also disarm themselves or go get their weapons from the tents. Everyone complied like automatons. Then Schwarz went to get a can of gasoline. He doused the pile of weapons, waving the can, then threw a match at it. The guys quickly stepped back, anticipating that the bullets thrown into the pile would go off from the heat. Indeed, less than a minute later, the pops began.
Schwarz covered the few hundred meters separating the camp from the runway, where a C-130, engines running, had just unloaded its cargo. The sergeant boarded via the rear ramp and went straight to the cockpit. The pilots turned around.
*- Now, head for Daran. But this time you're going to load the plane with medicine, food, and especially water. I want plenty of water jerrycans. *
- But... we don't have orders for that. Today we have to do rotations to bring mortar shells ......
Schwarz reached out and swiftly removed the 9mm pistol the pilot carried in a holster attached to his harness.
- You don't have orders. Well, I'm going to give you some!
And, after removing the safety and cocking the hammer, he pressed the cold barrel of the weapon against the pilot's temple.
*- OK, OK, don't get upset. Medicine, food, and water. Let's go. *
And, pushing the throttle, he sent the heavy aircraft down the runway.
........
When there had been that tremendous downpour on Mecca during the pilgrimage at the end of January 2005, Ahmed had noticed something strange. When the rain fell so heavily on the pilgrims that many had to use their clothing to protect their heads, he was near the Black Stone. He knew that its color should make it absorb heat strongly. But, ultimately, not more than the rest of the building. However, when the water ran over the stone, it instantly turned into steam.
At nightfall, when only a few guardians of the sacred sites remained on the square, he ventured to approach the object of all his fervor. After prostrating himself for a long time before it, he ventured to touch the stone and found it was burning hot, but he did not dare speak of any of this to anyone, for fear of being accused of something.
In fact, no one touched the stone. No one would have thought of cleaning it either. In Mecca, there is little pollution. Time passed. Ahmed knew that the stone was "working" but did not dare share his discovery with anyone. Finally, one evening, at nightfall, the phenomenon intensified. The stone turned dark red, and strange shapes seemed to appear on its surface. Quickly, this rise in temperature caused its resin setting in its silver mount to fail. It detached and began to emit light. The believers present on the square rushed over. Many threw themselves face down before such a prodigy. The Black Stone, now resembling a piece of glowing coal, moved for several dozen meters, surrounded by a hazy nebula. Then it rose into the sky, accelerating rapidly until it was nothing more than a tiny star in the sky.
One of the mullahs, who had rushed over, had missed nothing of the scene. Seeing Ahmed's perplexity, he simply said:
*- You see, my son. It has simply returned to where it came from, a long time ago. * ---
A drawing that made all of Moscow laugh ---
Found on http://www.pravda.ru ---
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| Our French economy is saved | I sold them six Airbus 380s |
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April 2005 ---
June 1, 2005
Raffarin's legacy:
-
"Young people are destined to become adults"
-
"The future is a series of dailies"
-
"Widows live longer than their spouses"
-
"I recommend the positive attitude to you"
-
"France is strong when it is a force that goes and knows where it is going"
-
"The Marseillaise will be less booed the more it is sung by everyone"
-
"The citizen is a pedestrian of the Republic"
-
"A people who doubt is not a people who walks"
-
"Politics is not a sport, it is not one team against another: we are all Team France"
-
"By thinking of politics in the plural, some have forgotten the singular of France"
-
"Thank you (to Bernadette Chirac) for showing us that victory is not easy, that it is won stable by stable, commune by commune"
-
"We must establish the Republic of common sense"
-
"There was a bill that we stopped in time. It was: when we no longer work the day after the day of rest, fatigue will be conquered"
-
"The Europe we must think about tomorrow is not the Europe of yesterday"
-
"Let us not be chilly, let us not be frigid" with Europe
-
"My yes is more than a no to the no"
-
"I am not an ENA graduate, I speak directly as I am"
-
"I don't much like not being in the central software of myself"
-
"Do I look like a psychopath?"
-
"I have my roundness but I have my energy"
-
"I am the pilot of the governmental Airbus"
-
"I do not work for myself, I do not have a hypertrophied ego"
-
"One must jump hurdles and ultimately, I jump the hurdles one after the other"
-
"My departure is always announced for next week. Ultimately, I have some resistance"
-
"I start anew"
-
"Young people are destined to become adults"
-
"The future is a series of dailies"
-
"Widows live longer than their spouses"
-
"I recommend the positive attitude to you"
-
"France is strong when it is a force that goes and knows where it is going"
-
"The Marseillaise will be less booed the more it is sung by everyone"
-
"The citizen is a pedestrian of the Republic"
-
"A people who doubt is not a people who walks"
-
"Politics is not a sport, it is not one team against another: we are all Team France"
-
"By thinking of politics in the plural, some have forgotten the singular of France"
-
"Thank you (to Bernadette Chirac) for showing us that victory is not easy, that it is won stable by stable, commune by commune"
-
"We must establish the Republic of common sense"
-
"There was a bill that we stopped in time. It was: when we no longer work the day after the day of rest, fatigue will be conquered"
-
"The Europe we must think about tomorrow is not the Europe of yesterday"
-
"Let us not be chilly, let us not be frigid" with Europe
-
"My yes is more than a no to the no"
-
"I am not an ENA graduate, I speak directly as I am"
-
"I don't much like not being in the central software of myself"
-
"Do I look like a psychopath?"
-
"I have my roundness but I have my energy"
-
"I am the pilot of the governmental Airbus"
-
"I do not work for myself, I do not have a hypertrophied ego"
-
"One must jump hurdles and ultimately, I jump the hurdles one after the other"
-
"My departure is always announced for next week. Ultimately, I have some resistance"
-
"I start anew"
*Our politicians are beings who hop from right to left and whose consistency in incompetence commands respect *
Pierre Desproges **** **
When humor appears on the covers of scientific magazines
This is an article title I often cited. One of my readers, Francis Potaznan, found the cover in question. It is that of a November 1993 issue of Science et Vie. It is hard to imagine that it was not a gag, a hoax. But no. This feature was signed by Daniel Tarnowski, Hélène Guillemot, and Thierry Pilorge. The theme: "Our brain is chaotic. Neural networks do not escape this rule: in our thought also, order is born from chaos." "We have untangled the ball of chaos." "Chaos knocked out," "Should we conclude that brain activity is always chaotic?"
They write among other things "The effects of chaos in the solar system," but completely forget that this system is entirely regulated by dissipative processes (by tidal effects) that chaos theory superbly ignores, being incapable of managing them. A 19-page feature!
This kind of prose joins the poverty and incoherence of the feature published in July 2005 by La Recherche in its special issue devoted to evolution, an incredible neo-Darwinian patchwork.
We are in the depths of thought.
June 20, 2005: the anti-drone umbrella ---
**September 9, 2005 ** --- ---
**Lucky break, this several-ton American bomb did not explode! ** ---
Michèle Alliot-Marie, Minister of Defense ---
Hunter equipped for bird flu --- ---
An idea by Gilles ---
Man, this metastasis ... ---
March 2008:
| - You know, darling, I told the English I was going to send a thousand men as reinforcements to Afghanistan | - I am proud of you, my dear, you really act like a great head of state |
 |
|---|
April 2011
Fukushima ---
August 2011
Libya 2011 ---
These holes have a large diameter, because the diameter of the vessel is 5.5 meters
Corium strainer ---
**Eben Alexander, neurosurgeon, after his 2008 NDE, reassures the whole world about what is found after death: unspeakable bliss. So, the after-sales service is assured. **
``
**Here, in Portland, USA, in 2013, with the Dalai Lama, in an ashram of "Yankee Tibetan Buddhists"
On the occasion of a symposium devoted to life after death. ** ---
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